A Fond Farewell – The Area Director Who Would Never Be

It is with great sadness that we must say good bye to an up and comer who showed great promise as a leader within Division G of Founder’s District. Upon receiving the following Area Director Success Plan, the Division Director had no options but to terminate this individual. For complete details read on:

Team Composition Name the members of the area’s core team:

  • Area Director
  • Minions
  • Gozer The Destroyer

Name the members of the area’s extended team:

  • No others are needed.
  • I am the center of the universe.

What are the area’s core values?

  • Strength
  • Steel
  • Complete Domination

What principles does the team hold?

  • Eternal allegiance to me
  • Swift retribution

What obstacles will the team have to consider when strategizing?

  • Do-gooders
  • Bad luck
  • Kittens

In general, how will the team process tasks?

  • Biweekly Inquisitions

How will decisions be made?

  • I will make the decisions and they will carry them out.

What will be the team’s method of communication?

  • 1st – Telepathy
  • 2nd – Long-distance applications of Dark Side force grip
  • 3rd – Surprise Inspections

What will the communication parameters be?

  • Daily – Reports of successful applications of my will.
  • Once – Reports of failures.

How will the team resolve differences of opinion?

  • Differences will not be tolerated.

How will the team support one another?

  • The team will support me with undying loyalty.

How will the team ensure equitable participation when completing activities?

  • Slackers will be sacrificed as a warning to others.

How will team members be held accountable for their responsibilities?

  • Each club must supply one tribute for the Hunger Games.

How will the core team and extended teams be recognized for their efforts?

  • They will live to serve me another day.

What is the current situation in the area?

  • There is nothing typical of this area.
  • It is the first of its kind.
  • We shall set the standard of perfection.

What actions will the area take?

  • We do not live in the past.
  • Serving me is all the incentive they need.

Action 1: Implement Thought Police as a new club officer position.

Action 2: Create moon-sized battle station.

Action 3: Forge one ring to rule them all.

Action 4: Eradicate all Gelflings.

Action 5: Terminate John Conner.

What people, equipment, meeting places, and money does the area have at its disposal?

  • Dilithium crystals.
  • Infinity Stones.
  • Shawarma.

Who is in charge of each action?

  • I’m in charge.
  • Actions will be carried out by the only person fit for the job.

Action 1: Chuck Norris

Action 2: Bob the Builder

Action 3: Q

Action 4: Michael Bay

Action 5: Fizzgig

When will each action item begin?

  • You mean they are not complete YET?!?!?

What specific, measureable, attainable, and relevant additional goal can the area meet?

  • Global domination.
  • But that can wait.

After reading this you can likely understand why this behavior could not be tolerated. After all, plagiarizing the Division Director’s Success Plan and thinking you are the “center of the universe” is incomprehensible. Unconfirmed sources indicate that this wanna be is exiled to an island somewhere off the coast of Liberia.

Thank you to the incoming Area Director who submitted this!  We appreciate your creative genius and the fact that you went out of your way to makes us all laugh.  If you didn’t get the humor we aren’t going to try to explain it.


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